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Wrong Against Brother
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It is said that the only person who can hurt us is
someone we love and the deeper the love the worse the hurt. A total
stranger can hurt us physically but only someone we love – a trusted
friend can injure us emotionally. Like most generalizations, that seems
like an overstatement. My guess is that we have all been hurt by a
stranger or someone we hardly knew.
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When we were small, perhaps other children left us out
of their games and that hurt us. As adults, we may have been treated
with contempt by a fellow worker or neighbor and that can hurt but the
people who can hurt us the most are those we love. Have you ever found
out that someone you trusted lied to you? When that happens it is not
easy to get over it.
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Trust that had been built up over years can be
destroyed in an hour. When we are used and abused by someone we love, it
is a painful experience. Jesus speaks about this in today's Gospel, he
began by saying "If your brother or sister should commit some wrong
against you..." and that is what we are talking about. When someone
close to us hurts us, what should we do?
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Jesus does not give us a set of hard rules to be
followed in detail but he does give us some insights. First, do not
nurse our hurts, they will pass and be forgotten if we would allow it
but our tendency is to let them accumulate. We often add the hurts of
today to the hurts of yesterday and in no time we end up carrying more
than the human spirit can handle.
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Life can not be lived that way; we have to let some
things go. I heard about a government office that requested permission
to destroy some dead files that were out‑of‑date, useless and taking up
space. After a long delay, the reply came back from the Central Agency
that permission was granted to destroy the dead files but be sure to
make copies of everything. Do we have files in our lives like that? They
serve no useful purpose. All they do is to keep us reminded of past
wrongs and they occupy so much emotional space.
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Then there is the opposite temptation. Instead of
stuffing our hurts down on the inside, we may talk about them to anyone
who will listen. Jesus had this human tendency in mind when He
said ‑ "keep it between the two of you." A visit with the person who has
done us wrong might help to heal the hurt. Sharing our grievance with
everyone can not possibly help and it might do greater damage.
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As a story is passed from person to person, it gets
distorted and then it gets back to the person involved and by this time
they may not even recognize it. Then the gap between you becomes wider
than ever. When we are hurt it is usually not a good idea to suffer in
silence. We may need to talk but not to the whole world. The best place
to start is with the one who did the hurting.
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Right at the end of the Gospel, Jesus says ‑ "If
everything fails, treat the person who has hurt you as a gentile or tax
collector." In modern language this means to let them go. Has someone
done you wrong? DO you feel hurt by the words or deeds of someone? Do
not nurse it or rehearse it. Make your best effort to set things right
and if that fails, let the person go and let the hurt go.
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Never allow the attitudes or actions of another person
poison your life and always remember the words of Jesus ‑ Father forgive
or in the words of Archbishop Tutu of South Africa ‑ "sometimes the
victim just has to forgive in order just to live." While reading this
Homily, I was struck very forcefully by the injunction of Jesus. If you
are offering your gift at the altar, and there you remember that your
brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there
before the altar and go first to be reconciled with your brother or
sister and then come and offer your gift. Have you ever done that ‑ do
you need to?
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Yours in Christ,
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Fr. Robert Warren, S.A.
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Spiritual Director
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