In his post-synodal apostolic
exhortation Amoris
Laetitia, Pope Francis urges is
to reach out in mercy and compassion to
families who have broken up or are in
trouble so they may continue to feel
part of the Church and accompanied on
their pastoral journeys. A priest at my
local parish summarized the Holy
Father’s pastoral guidance in a
poignant way during his homily when he
said that the Church “is a mother
first, and a teacher second.” Just like
a mother tends to her children’s wounds
with care and understanding, letting
them know her love is unconditional,
before she gives them correction or
consequences, so too are we called to
do the same, he explained.
This message struck me profoundly as
a child of divorced parents, a
population too often overlooked in
these discussions. I was raised in a
strong Catholic home where my parents
instilled in me in different ways a
steadfast love for God and the
Church. I knew well what I was
supposed to do as a Catholic child,
adolescent and young adult. However,
that knowledge felt very removed from
the difficulties I experienced as a
child of divorce--especially in
relating to God as “Father,” as my
own father moved across country and
became even less of an active,
consistent part of my life. It was
not more catechesis that I needed
during those years but, instead, a
gentle compassionate companion who
would listen and be with me as I
wrestled with confusion and fears of
being “abandoned” by my father and,
in turn, God. I needed someone to
tend to my wounds with care and
understanding, so I could grow beyond
them and begin to trust, with full
certainty, that God still loved and
would be there for me.
When my parents separated in the 70s,
there were no pastoral care
initiatives available to help
navigate this loss, so my older
brother Marc and I formed our own
two-person "support group." It was a
tremendous consolation and one I
credit largely for my strength to
have "beaten the divorce odds" and
enjoy a happy marriage today. Without
that peer support over the years and
the graces I received from the
sacraments, I doubt I would have had
the fortitude to overcome the shame,
poor self-esteem, persistent sadness,
and “co-dependency” that plagued me
for decades. Left alone, without this
vital two-pronged support, I could
have easily become “another divorce
statistic,” given the tricky,
ambiguous nature of this
grief.
I firmly believe that these grief
factors play a significant role in
the high divorce rate for children
from divorced families. The National
Opinion Research Center states that
60 percent of girls and 35 percent of
boys from divorced families will go
on to get divorced themselves. Other
research states that if one spouse
comes from divorced parents, the
couple may be up to two times as
likely to divorce. Spouses who are
both children of divorced parents are
three times more likely to divorce as
couples who both are from “intact
families,” the research
says.
In 2002, these statistics along with
my increased awareness of how
instrumental faith and Church
teachings had been to my healing
inspired me to start a nonprofit
foundation, Faith
Journeys, so other children
from divorced families could have
similar opportunities to work through
their grief wounds, long before they
consider entering marriage. We do
this by helping Catholic schools,
parishes and Dioceses establish
pastoral care initiatives, using our
award-winning books as the
curriculum. Our approach follows the
directives of the Holy Father in
first tending to the emotional and
spiritual wounds of children, then
instructing them on important tenets
of the faith, relevant to their
experiences of parental separation or
divorce. We do this by allowing
children to tell their stories and
learn about grief, then instructing
them on important life skills so they
are encouraged to take appropriate
ownership of their difficulty, with
the program culminating in
discussions about their image of God,
ways to ask for help from God, and
Church teachings regarding suffering
and forgiveness.
For
Pauline Books and Media, I authored
the book When Parents
Divorce or Separate: I Can Get
Through This. Formed
by the truths of the Catholic faith
and by what professionals in family
counseling have found helpful, this
guide through parental divorce and
separation, designed for children
ages 8 – 12, blends faith with
interactive elements. What I wanted
to achieve with the book was to help
parents or teachers provide a child
with a safe space for coping,
healing, and growing.
God, indeed, prepared me for a much
needed ministry through the hardship
of my parents’ divorce and the
experience of having my older
brother, Marc, there to accompany me
through it. I have been blessed with
a deeper understanding and
appreciation of what it means to be a
“child of God,” as a result. For me,
it boils down to the realization
that, no matter how challenging, I
can learn to be healed and, in turn,
help to heal others.
“Mother first, and teacher second.”
It made the difference for me and
inspired me to do the same for
others. Pope Francis has, indeed,
given us rich direction so our
pastoral care efforts may more fully
reflect the eyes of Christ. “I
sincerely believe that Jesus wants a
church attentive to the goodness
which the Holy Spirit sows in the
midst of human weakness, a mother
who, while clearly expressing her
objective teaching, always does what
good she can, even if in the process,
her shoes get soiled by the mud of
the street, " he said.
Lynn Kapusinski is
the founder of the Faith Journeys
Foundation, Inc. (www.faithjourneys.org),
a Catholic nonprofit providing
pastoral care for children from
divorced or separated families since
2002. She is also a school counselor
in the Archdiocese of Baltimore and
the author of three books for these
young people. Her latest book,
When Parents
Divorce or Separate: I Can Get
Through This, won a first place
award from the Catholic Press
Association. Lynn has been featured
on EWTN, Relevant Radio, SIRIUS
Catholic Radio, The Catholic Digest,
Notre Dame Magazine, Catholic New
World, and other media outlets across
the nation.
|
Posts
No comments:
Post a Comment